After a long night of battling thoughts and refreshing my attitude about things, I was on the brink of crying. I am not sure what to do. I do not know where to go from here. Money is thinning and I'm losing more than I'm making. I'm getting distracted by boys and life. I'm at a changing point, where I do not think many people understand or really know what's going on within me.
So tonight, as Jesse drove me home in his topless Jeep Wrangler, I just stared up at the sky. The stars were scarce (though not as much as a Chicago sky), but still scarce for the southern sky. I was fighting with myself on what to do with life. Because with the worries of money lingering over my head, and the pressures of dating and marrying at my age, it became too much. I know I should not pursue more than a friendship with this fellow because right now, God has to teach me to be satisfied in Him and another relationship will defeat the purpose rather than help it. So during those times, I did what I had not done in a long time: I directed my eyes upward (literally).
As I thought about God's creation of each individual star, clouds started to block my view of the stars. At first, I began to become annoyed - I WANTED TO SEE STARS! But then this huge cloud came up and I just shook my head and stared. It looked like two arms. One arm had a baby type shape in what looked like the palm (it really looked like an arm extended with a baby cradled in the palm - I'm not lying). And then right above it, a figure of another arm extended over the baby in the form of a fist (outline of fingers and all).
Immediately, I was hit with this overwhelming sense that it was from God. I know it sounds crazy, but these thoughts immediately came to my mind. "Charity, you are a child of God, adopted through Jesus Christ. God will provide for you. He will give you the strength through His own power and might." It was like an affirmation that God cared and wanted to let me know it. He will provide the money for me and everything I need. He will give me the strength to say no to this relationship my flesh longs for, and it will all be in His timing.
Because the money will come when it will, whether now or in the future, and a relationship with the right man will come, whether now or in the future, all in accordance with God's will. I can trick myself into falsely believing that I have to do this myself and make up the decisions myself. But for right now, I will not seek after satisfying my desires, but rather seeking God. I will not worry about everything, for I know my Heavenly Father knows and cares what I am going through - and if He provides for the birds, how much more will he provide for me?
So right now, I will do as Scripture teaches - "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." [Matthew 6:33-34].
What His Word says, I will do -- "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" [Psalm 37:3-7]
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