Silence is the Killer

I've lost my voice. 
I've forged a path away from examining my inner thoughts to explore the more superficial way of life I've fought to ignore.
By choosing to wander down this well-paved road, I learned to quiet the deep thoughts that once perplexed and suffocated me.
However, the silence kills me now. 
The reality of it all is that I have quieted the very thing that once kept me so alive.

Never thought this day would come...

Many times, I look back at my past and wish that I could start over and do things differently. Part of me wishes that I would have joined the military right after high school. Another part of me wishes that I went to the state university, got a degree, then joined the military. But then I look back at Bible college, and I don't know if I regret the decision I made.

It was in college where I began to face my eating disorder. It was there that I admitted that I had a problem. I had been dieting, starving, and restricting myself since I was 12. I began my struggle with bulimia at 15. I was never happy with my body. I never truly loved myself.  The summer after my freshman year, I went to Japan to visit my family. I was 19 years old and it was the first time that I admitted to anyone that I struggled with an eating disorder. After talking to my friend, I decided to seek some help for the eating disorder. That was the beginning of my journey towards healing.

I'm not going to say that I was fixed immediately. I am not going to say that it was an easy and quick road. But as I sat here today, contemplating life, I realized something. I've never been in a better place as I am right now. Do I still struggle? Yes. I believe this will be a constant battle for the rest of my life. But what has changed? My perception of myself.

All throughout high school and college, I can't say I truly learned to form my own identity. Instead, I allowed myself to be molded and shaped by the people around me, be it my dad, my friends, or the rules of the church. But as I sought to be on my own and figure out who I am, I pushed aside all the expectations other people throw on me, and I discovered who I am.

And this morning, I thought about my life right now. I may be a little discontent with my current situation, but I have never been this happy, loving, and accepting of myself like I am today. I'm in tears writing this because I remember just how much self-loathe and self-hate I had. It breaks my heart, because I know there are people out there who feel that way now. I want to be able to take their hand, hold them, love them, and let them know that who they are is good enough. Who they are is worth love, grace, acceptance, and hope. 

I wish I could help everyone who feels like they aren't good enough. I want to be able to sit down and have a personal conversation with each one of those individuals and NOT point out everything they are doing wrong. No. I just want to love them. Talk about what they enjoy. Help them discover what brings joy and excitement to their lives and encourage them towards those things. 

Because this life is too short to be lived with regrets. This life is too short to be spent worrying about meeting everyone else's expectations. So let's love, instead of judge. Encourage, instead of tear down. Find the good in everyone and everything, instead of being negative about everything. This is what I'm going to do at least.

HOPE

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. ³ And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; ⁵ and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."


Romans 5:1-5

This is where I'm finding my comfort... This is where I'm finding my hope. Though I struggle and I have a hard time, I know that God will carry me through and His love will not disappoint. I just have to keep reminding myself of this truth. I have to keep fighting these crippling thoughts..

I'm getting to the point of processing again.  I used to journal all the time. I used to write blogs about different things I've been learning or different ideas I've been struggling through. However, lately, I just haven't been there. I just haven't done that. Why? I don't know. Did I just fall out of the habit? Am I afraid of my thoughts? Have my thoughts been too shallow and foggy lately? I don't have any answers.

But none of it seems to matter anymore. So I'm going to process through this blog. *Ahem* here I go:

When I first got to school, I wouldn't say I was in the best place I've ever been, but I was definitely in a WAY better place than I had been. True I had my struggles, but I wouldn't say those had any affect on my attitude or my mood. I slept well. I ate well. I exercised consistently.

Then, by the 2nd week, everything started to get foggier. My eating began to get sketchy. My exercising not as consistent. My sleep was becoming non-existent. But on top of those things, stress overwhelmed me, depression hit me, and anxiety heightened. Why?

I started thinking about how it was only at Moody that I've felt this way. That I've experienced these things at great intensity. In talking to other people, they have confirmed the same things within themselves. What is it about a school, which focuses on sending people to ministry, that causes its students so much stress and anxiety?

It's definitely spiritual. And it's overwhelming present in many aspects of this school.

I haven't been on my guard. I haven't fought as I should have. Nor have I utilized the many things God has given to fight the spiritual battle.

Distorted, yet Honest (please don't criticize...)

I haven't wanted to write as much as I do right now. After so many thoughts and conflicts raging war within my head, I feel ready to explode.

I sometimes wish that life can be played out in music. Not like those cheesy musicals when they stop whatever they are doing and bust out in a well choreographed and perfectly sung song and dance. I wish it were more like other movies, when the music just plays in the background, with each song intentionally holding more meaning to the situation.

If I could play a song for my life right now... or even a CD for my life, it would be the "Son of the Morning" album by Oh, Sleeper.  And the currently song playing? "In All Honesty."

You're reaching out to a dog that's tasted and turned.
Why? Why waste your time when I've found my strength in another?
Can you see more in me? Can you really see more than just a beast?

 More often than not, I feel so dirty and filthy. How can God see more in me than the beast that I consider myself? How can God think that I would be "worth this rescuing"?

Grace. I KNOW that. I UNDERSTAND that. But in all honesty, I really have a hard time accepting that. I don't deserve it. People don't want to have anything to do with me. I'm not a good friend, because I'm selfish and I do not give grace to the people around me, while demanding they give me grace the whole time...

I ate dinner with an old roommate today. It was interesting. We discussed the terrible times we had and how bad of a semester it was. I wronged her on so many levels. How could she extend grace to me and love me regardless of it? How could she, after I ignored the problems and just ran away from them, could she turn around and just forgive me?

And this is just one instance. I'm overbearing. Overwhelming. Needy. Clingy. And just overall, too much for people most of the time.

How can I, who lives in a constant struggle with sin, be worthy of grace? How could God love me when all I do is try to find satisfaction in others?

I'm worthless. I'm filthy.

Yet I know He's not.

Winter is my life

A while ago, I wrote a little piece about the different seasons. The newness of spring, the rest of summer, the beauty of fall, and the deadness of winter. In the end, I concluded that winter was my life.

Since then, my life went through the seasons and I've come full circle back to the reality and deadness of winter.  I realized this today.

In church, a girl sang this beautiful song about life, pain, and God. While she sang, four people painted pictures on these huge canvases. The first radiated red and the warmth of summer. The second danced with browns, yellows, and oranges of autumn. The third picture dripped of white, yet dreary colors of winter. The final picture sprung of life from the spring.

The pastor walks on stage and asks, "What season of life do you find yourself in right now?" And my immediate thought was... "I'm in winter." My life drags. I am lonely. I lack color and life. I have people tell me, as I walk around campus, that my face is pale. My eyes look like they are about to cry.

I don't feel connected to people. I don't feel connected to life. And I don't feel connected to God.

But this is only a season, right? A friend once told me that it's only for a time, and even after the longest of winters, spring does come and brings new life. But it just doesn't get there on its own.

So for right now, I may cry. I may feel utterly lost and lonely. But in time, as I hope for a new season, I will endure this winter, knowing that something better is coming.

I am of little faith...

I was sitting in my room, pondering life and struggle.
You see, I've struggled with different things that take the place of God in my life. And lately, I've struggled more than is necessary.
But as I was praying, I caught notice of my prayers. I was praying as if sin had a hold on my life. I was praying as if I was subject to my sin.
But that's when what I have been reading sunk deep within me:

"For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life." [Romans 6:20-22]

Hope. Note verse 22: "But NOW that you have been SET FREE from sin and have become slaves of God..."  So simple, yet so complicated. My attitude shows that I don't believe this. I highlight my imperfections. I complain about my struggles. I have a defeatist attitude when it comes to my sin and my struggles. This is UNBIBLICAL! I've been bond by a lie. Why? Because early in Romans 6, Pauls states,

"We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus."

This reminds me of a song by the Christian rap artist Tedashii. The introduction of the songs starts with a section of a John Piper sermon.

"I hear so many Christians murmuring about their imperfections, and their failures, and their addiction, and their shortcomings. And I see so little war! Murmur, murmur, murmur. Why am I this way? Make War!"

That's me! I'm a part of that SO many Christians! I murmur about my sin and yet I do nothing about it. I still believe those lies that tell me that I'm stuck in this sin. I used to read these verses in Romans, but I'm looking at them in a new light! I'm looking at them in belief and in faith! Convinced and convicted by the Holy Spirit.

Look at those verses again! If we believe in Christ's work on the cross to be the necessary sacrifice, then we died! We died to the Law that once bond us to our sin! We died to the sin, the old way of life, and we were RAISED to a new life. A life that is lived in the presence of God. Why? NOT because we have ourselves defeated sin! NO. Because we are ALIVE IN CHRIST.

Man. I can't explain this freedom in my soul. This enlightening of my eyes to the lies and the sins that I once believed. It's weird. But as I study this passage, I am amazed at how complicated I have made my relationship with God. I made it about obeying the right rules and doing everything the right way. But that's not what it's about. It's about living in the presence of God, as a living sacrifice because I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ. I can't do enough to pay that back. I can't do anything to pay it back and I've been trying so hard to do that.

I'm helpless and weak in my flesh, so why do I try to perfect myself in the flesh? I cannot. That's God's job. Note the end of verse 22, "the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life."  I can't perfect myself or earn back what Christ has done. But by becoming a slave of God, by obeying God and denying sin, by making war against my flesh with the power of the Spirit, the fruit... the result of that is sanctification.

It's not me. It's all Him. I've been making my battle with sin all about my inability rather than walking in victory, knowing that sin is already dead for those of us who are already in Christ.