Bowed Down...

"The tragedy of life and of the world is not that men do not know God; the tragedy is that, knowing Him, they still insist on going their own way." - William Barclay 

I went back and read all my journal posts from Xanga, all my old notes on Facebook, and entries from my various journals.  I went back to evaluate where I was in life as far back as 5-6 years ago, when I was 15-16 years old.  I noticed highs and lows. I noticed a riff between soul and flesh like I find myself in today. 

The sad thing is: when I was 15-16 years old, I knew the path God was calling me towards, however, I decided that I wanted to follow my own way.  I knew the higher calling God had in my life as a believer and I still insisted that my way was the better way.  Why? Because I would have "more fun" and get to enjoy the things that I wanted to enjoy. It became more about me than about God. 

Not as a way of boasting, but I humbly state that I had a lot of knowledge about God and Scripture at a young age. I studied the word of God intently. I sought wisdom and insight from other people and I even went as far as doing word studies in Hebrew and Greek for some verses. But that's one thing about me: I love learning. I love increasing in knowledge and being knowledgeable in many topics. 

But I guess I was hit today with the reality of my life. As much as I sought to do what God wanted me to do, I still insisted upon my own way. I still wanted to do things my way. 

"Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intent at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does." [James 1:21-25]

Now, as I reflect back, I do say that I regret not following that higher calling. I wish I had at a younger age, so that I didn't have to find myself in that position now. I wish I had done it earlier, because life with God is so much more satisfying than pretending to have that. 

So I guess this is my fresh start. My second chance that God is calling me to this higher road and I do not want to spit in His face. I want to lay aside all filthiness and do all He calls me to obey. 

My heart is bowed down within me. I know I don't deserve this, but God has given me that second chance. I do not want to forsake that. SO whatever it takes, I want to follow after His heart. 

"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded... Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you." [James 4:7, 8, 10]