"Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death..."

I've talked about this before, but one thing that has always bothered me is the "eye" thing I have. I get this intense urge to clench my eyes together as tightly as I can, yet it never feels like I can fully satisfy the desire.  It's hard to miss if you are talking to me or even if I'm within your eyesight.  I feel like a freak. It's my little twitch or quirk that I am highly self-conscious about, yet  most people, unknowingly, point it out and ask me about it or even joke around about it.

After a friend commented on my "eye" thing yesterday, I began to evaluate where I was in life. I realized something. I've struggled with depression at different points in my life (and I don't use that term loosely).  I hate admitting the full weight and the affect it has on me. And I can gauge how bad it is depending on how bad my "eye" thing is. I don't know why they are intertwined like that; all I know is that I deeply hate people pointing it out because I hate trying to explain why I do it.

I guess my little defect is something physical to help keep me humble. I know what a lot of people (good Christian people) say about depression. Some flat out deny that it really does exist and that people just need to get over things. Other people (like psychiatrists) tend to over diagnose people, who are grieving or sad over a loss, with depression.

I'm not sure my stance on it... But I do know that it's been something I've dealt with nearly my whole life. I have my good weeks/months or even years. But then I hit a state where all else seems at a loss.  I've discovered at this "depression" keeps me humble and keeps me seeking my Savior.

Life seems dull for those days/weeks/months. Food is bland and almost repulsive. Sleeping becomes almost impossible. Everyday activities take too much energy and things I once enjoyed seem to be in the way and no longer as fun as they once were. My mind runs 1000 miles a second and refuses to slow down.Yet I receive enough grace and strength from my Savior each day to carry on and do what I need to do.

God has placed people in my life who have cared for me and aided me through this all. These people don't tell me that I have to get over it. No. They encourage me to seek the Lord. They encourage me to eat (otherwise, I wouldn't). They encourage me to get up and do things because it's better than giving in to the desire to lay around all day.

I don't know why I go through all of this. But I know that regardless, it brings me to a place of humility. It brings me to a crossroads in my decisions that tell me that I need to choose today whom I'm going to serve (Joshua 24). 

I've hit a low place this past week. Probably one of the lowest I've experienced in a while. And I've chosen. I've chosen my Savior, who has proven Himself faithful. My Savior who is Truth and Love. My God, who is blameless and Holy. I've chosen to rely on Him who never grows weary and promises to give me strength.

Does this mean I will never struggle with depression again? I don't know, but I do know that if I do, I have my Savior who will carry me through the valley of the shadow of death. And I know that I will never walk this alone. There is hope. And it's the anchor for my soul.