I surprised myself tonight.
I will let you in on a little secret about me....
I have a hard time letting go of things.
I'm talking about the moments I mess up/let someone down, or when someone else lets me down. Those moments stick to my memory, although I would prefer they didn't.
When I feel as if I have put someone through a lot of unnecessary pain or unnecessary drama, even after things are resolved, I personally have a hard time letting go of it (even if they have). I especially have a hard time pretending like nothing happened.
This happened with a friend of mine. I still don't know how to talk to him normally. I was telling this to a mutual friend; this is how our conversation went.
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It started with her asking me why it is hard for me to drop things.
I thought for a moment and replied, "Because in my head, everything is like one big picture/painting... all of the details making up the whole. When I look at the big picture, those details are a part of it."
"Ok. I get that. So what does the picture look like now?"
"It was like I was trying to remove an object on the picture by painting over it, then decided to try to put it back in."
"Wow. I totally get that. And your mind is amazing... so artistic."
"I like to think in analogies... It works for me.. It helps me understand life. I don't know. I'm glad you understand."
"But sometimes it doesn't work and you have to make adjustments... You will have to adjust your picture."
"Analogies are never perfect, I know. But it will be slow and a process... as it takes time to paint things in."
"When I say adjust, I mean not in a forceful way, but in a way that will work. A lot of times that would require taking a step back and looking at things in another angle."
"Yeah, I know. That's when I have to step back and realize I've been painting over and trying to fix a painting that isn't mine. And i have to let the Original Artist [God] fix it."
"And be okay with the picture taking on a mind of its own, otherwise when you try to force something to work, you either ruin the painting or it lacks its luster."
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I came up with the painting analogy off the top of my head and didn't mean for it to work on me in this way.
I think about the painting/picture I referred to. My life is a part of the big picture.
So often, I try to make the painting my own and I start to make adjustments. I add details here. Try to paint over details I think are not worth being in the picture.
Yet I forget that the Original Artist of the picture is God. I can merely see a small corner of the whole picture, yet I think that this little section I get is something I can change all I want.
This simply is not true!
All this time, I have been pretending to be the Author of this beautiful painting, when I am merely a piece of the whole.
I change and I alter without recognizing that perhaps all these details, even the ones I think are ugly and unnecessary, actually add beauty to the whole!
And sometimes, instead of changing things to look the way we expect them to, we have to step back and trust that the Original Artist would never paint something ugly or worthless. But rather that He has the MOST BEAUTIFUL masterpiece that we cannot fathom.
A masterpiece that comprises itself of each section of His children's lives. We are merely a piece to the whole.
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