Never thought this day would come...

Many times, I look back at my past and wish that I could start over and do things differently. Part of me wishes that I would have joined the military right after high school. Another part of me wishes that I went to the state university, got a degree, then joined the military. But then I look back at Bible college, and I don't know if I regret the decision I made.

It was in college where I began to face my eating disorder. It was there that I admitted that I had a problem. I had been dieting, starving, and restricting myself since I was 12. I began my struggle with bulimia at 15. I was never happy with my body. I never truly loved myself.  The summer after my freshman year, I went to Japan to visit my family. I was 19 years old and it was the first time that I admitted to anyone that I struggled with an eating disorder. After talking to my friend, I decided to seek some help for the eating disorder. That was the beginning of my journey towards healing.

I'm not going to say that I was fixed immediately. I am not going to say that it was an easy and quick road. But as I sat here today, contemplating life, I realized something. I've never been in a better place as I am right now. Do I still struggle? Yes. I believe this will be a constant battle for the rest of my life. But what has changed? My perception of myself.

All throughout high school and college, I can't say I truly learned to form my own identity. Instead, I allowed myself to be molded and shaped by the people around me, be it my dad, my friends, or the rules of the church. But as I sought to be on my own and figure out who I am, I pushed aside all the expectations other people throw on me, and I discovered who I am.

And this morning, I thought about my life right now. I may be a little discontent with my current situation, but I have never been this happy, loving, and accepting of myself like I am today. I'm in tears writing this because I remember just how much self-loathe and self-hate I had. It breaks my heart, because I know there are people out there who feel that way now. I want to be able to take their hand, hold them, love them, and let them know that who they are is good enough. Who they are is worth love, grace, acceptance, and hope. 

I wish I could help everyone who feels like they aren't good enough. I want to be able to sit down and have a personal conversation with each one of those individuals and NOT point out everything they are doing wrong. No. I just want to love them. Talk about what they enjoy. Help them discover what brings joy and excitement to their lives and encourage them towards those things. 

Because this life is too short to be lived with regrets. This life is too short to be spent worrying about meeting everyone else's expectations. So let's love, instead of judge. Encourage, instead of tear down. Find the good in everyone and everything, instead of being negative about everything. This is what I'm going to do at least.