warning: real

this has almost... no, this has become my only means of expressing myself. i find it hard to outwardly express my emotions and thoughts. what better way of doing it than through a venue in which no one else really reads but me. this way, i can be the real charity. the charity no one else really gets to see or talk to. so that the thoughts i withhold from society will be heard somewhere, even if only by me.

have you ever had those lingering questions that if they were ever asked aloud, someone would criticize and nag you for being blasphemous, unbelieving. or even faithless. you know, the questions in which most of the times you just get a dropped jaw and a look that inquires, what the hell are you talking about.

sometimes i just want to say the things i am thinking, knowing that some other people are thinking the same thing. the only problem is once i verbalize it, the people forget they thought it themselves and then shoot it down. i find this especially with christians. sad.

i always wonder if i can just ignore the problem and hope it goes away. grant it, i tell other people that ignoring a problem will not get rid of it. but when it comes to a difficult problem in my life, i act as if i never said that before and proceed to do the very thing i advised against. because ignoring the problem temporarily relieves the pain it caused in the first place. but then after a while, it only grows bigger and becomes noticeable. it's almost like becoming pregnant and then trying to ignore the fact that you are pregnant, hoping that if you ignore it for long enough, it will go away. but it doesn't and just grows. it's not a perfect example, but it works.

it's so much easier to run than to directly confront the issue. i like linkin park. they are depressing, but honest. they sing about real issues that people face. they don't just pretend like life is okay. i like that. i like their song "easier to run" because it feels like they wrote it for me. but then against, everyone says that.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

It's bittersweet. Moving on, that is. Letting go of the past, forgiving yourself and the people who have hurt you, and then letting that heal. It's painful and hard, yet freeing at the same time. If only I could allow myself to move on. but it hurts too much and right now, i prefer comfort over pain. i hate saying that because in essence, i'm saying that i'm choosing myself over God. i think about jesus as he was praying in the garden before being betrayed. jesus knew it was going to be a painful experience. jesus didn't get himself into an unknown. oh he knew, but he chose that path. he chose the path of God's will, which was immensely more painful than what we experience, instead of cowarding out. oh God grant me the grace to take the painful path to be even more drawn closer to you.