charity who?

who the hell am i? that's what i want to know. i'm a 19 year old female who is approximately 5'2" (give or take) with brown eyes and dark brown hair. i wear contacts and i'm more muscular than most girls. i am a follower of Christ. i'm half-filipino with a 1/4 italian and 1/4 mix bred of other things. that's what is seen on the outside. i smile a lot, joke around, i'm friendly, and for the most part am quiet.

but sometimes outward appearances can be deceiving (so clique i know). but have i become merely a product of my environment? have i learned to adapt to my surroundings as a protection mechanism? have i created a monster? a monster compiled of the personalities of people in my past? it's like toy story. the disturbed neighbor kid who seems like he would be a serial killer when he is older. oh great things to aspire to! anyways, he grafted various parts from different dolls and toys into one ugly doll. that's how i feel. i'm this ugly mismatched monster that has taken parts from various people.

but who i am? who is charity? i don't know. i'm not comfortable with myself. i'm not confident. instead i find it easier to fit into the mold of the people around me. i mean i go to a bible college, so i do the bible college thing. i place myself in the moody bubble and then complain about it. that's just it. i'm not like that most of the time. i like to interact with people who are different. i enjoy engaging in the lives of those with different views. it reminds me that God is still God. it reminds me that there are lost and hurting people out there. i just forget that sometimes.

i want to find the real me. i want the questions answered. why do i act the way i do? why do i do the things that i do? how can i tell when i am being me instead of acting the way i assume i should?

i hate it when people tell me to be real. what is real? i couldn't tell you when i was being real or not. i get it. be myself. BUT WHO THE HELL IS THE REAL ME? because i'm clueless

yet these questions sometimes remain answerless. i guess that's life.