whatever...

i quit. i just give up. i feel like there is no reason to this. i mean i have many issues, grant it, probably not as bad as other people, but i have my issues. but i was doing just fine with them. but then unsuspecting me got pushed down a huge hole. i didn't want it. i was not ready for it. And the more i attempt to climb out of the hole, the more i felt utter despair and hopeless. i called for help, but only found a few willing to help only when i asked for it. the problem with that is i dont need anyone's help if i feel like they were inadequate to help me the first time. they are there, i just don't care.

anger and frustration builds up within me. angry that i feel so alone. angry that i can't do it on my own. Frustrated that no matter how much i try, i just can't do it. frustrated that any of these things occurred in the first place. but i can't express that anger. that hatred toward myself. why? a disconnection occurs within me. a disconnect from my emotions and my actions. an unhealthy disconnect. i want to be able to express the anger within me. i want to be able to carry out my emotions in a way that doesn't harm me or others both internally and externally.

but i can't handle this. this going through school pretending to be something i'm not. pretending to care about things that i don't care about. pretending to engage in a happy subculture of people who care no more than to abide by rules and add to their numbers and are utterly shocked when people who are different from them do something in accordance with their nature.

i have grown apathetic. i have grown depressed. i was way better off the way i was before. i have entered my death.