heart bleeds air

I just watched a video on YouTube. Interesting, eh? Well, Melinda's sister Bern (who is my age) suggested that I watch the "Everything Skit" by Lifehouse. I forgot about it and she reminded me of it. As I watched it, I was emotionless. It invokes emotions and engages the heart with examples that people can relate to. Yet I was emotionless. I watched it objectively, disconnected from my emotions and seeing it happen to someone else. I cannot vicariously place myself in the position of the person on stage. It is not that I will not do it, but I seriously cannot do it. No matter how much I want to. Let me explain the skit:

A girl centered on stage interacts with Jesus, and every move Jesus makes, she makes the same move. She's walking with Jesus, enjoying Jesus, and experiencing a personal relationship with Him in every moment. But then something else comes into the picture. A relationship. Romantic, to say the least. One that carries her far away from Jesus. IT distracts her mind and then stands in the way of Jesus. Then greed/money enter the scene. He taunts her with money, makes her struggle to get it. Now you have lust and greed standing in the way of her and Jesus. Then drunkness comes into the scene. A little after this struggle against body image comes in. She compares herself with this model and gets this overwhelming sense of envy and worthlessness. After that, cutting comes into the scene. A sense of hopelessness. Frustration with oneself. Then thoughts of suicide. The whole time, Jesus is trying to get her attention. He is trying to make Himself known, but His futile attempts do not get her attention. When she has had enough, she tries to run back to Jesus, but no matter how much she struggles, she cannot break past these things. They grab her and push her back. They hold her and stand in her way. Then Jesus hold them back and puts them to death as she is on her knees, I think in repentence. Pleading for help, I would assume.

I don't know. I don't think I could write down all my thoughts occurring right now. All the typing in the world would not adequately convey the deep emotions that long to be released. I have them in the cage and I've lost the key. Now I don't know how to let them out.

God has brought me so far in this journey. He brought me to a place of helplessness. I mean this is a good thing, but my reaction became running. Running far away and avoid the pain. I walked the few steps on the journey and when the first trail appeared, letting off the intended path, I took it.
Oh God, where do I begin? How do I shake this feeling? I condemn myself. And I feel like I'm in a constant struggle against those things in my life that block me from you. My heart cries out, yet I receive no answer. oh God, have i ventured so far from you that I cannot even hear your voice? the chaos i have created around me is the very thing destroying me. my thoughts are incoherent... sorry