Questions...

Some movies depict characters with a mental illness as possessing nervous ticks.  Multiple times a day I encounter an irresistible urge to squeeze my eyes shut as tight as they can as if I am a scared little girl squeezing her eyes shut under the blankets at the thought of an imaginary monster.  I have no idea what has caused this, but I know that it has been going on for a couple of months now.  At first, I would attempt to fight it and became painfully aware of each time I did it.  It has come to the point that I no longer even notice.  The thing that annoys, frustrates, or even hurts more, however, is when people insist on pointing it out.  I hear criticism for it, or even a mocking joke about this.  I do not blame the individual however.  They have no idea that I feel as if I have to do this. 

I often wonder if this is a result of my depression.  I question if somehow my dealing with real issues in my life has in a way manifested itself through this urge.  Is this is coping mechanism?   Am I going crazy? Depression is a mental health issue...  I never thought of myself as someone who has trouble with mental health.

But that's one thing... I have something that I just have to get off of my chest.  This whole talk of being a Christian is difficult.  When I heard about Brittany Murphy's death, I was shocked.  I mean, most people are, but then it passes.  When Heath Ledger died, I was sad, but it was temporary.  When Michael Jackson died, it was the same thing.  However, with Brittany, it was different.  I was overwhelmed completely with this idea that she was so young.  It bothered me.  She was only 32 and in today's society, that's young.  

8 days after her death, I woke up to terrible news.  My brother-in-law and sister called to tell my family that their 3-months old son, Nikolas, died.   My 3 month old nephew died...  My mom wept and I bawled.  No one ever expects for this to happen.  I have never had someone that close to me die.  I didn't even get to meet him.  I would call my sister and hear him in the background.  All I could think about at that moment was how much I can't wait to hold him, to see him, despite his down syndrome.  It hurts.  But I think more than that, I hurt for my sister.  I cannot even fathom what my sister is going through.  I can't even understand.  It pains me.  My sister, my older sister, has lost one of her children.  How can God allow this 3 month old baby to died. 

It's rough and difficult.  As a Christian, I do not even know what to do.  I question.  I question so much as to why this happens. I don't know what to do.  I love Moody, but Moody doesn't prepare you for moments like these.  When various shit comes into your life, rough shit, hermeneutics is not going to help me get through. 

Am I terrible for questioning?  Is it wrong to kind of be angry at God for what happened? For the death of my nephew? For my sexual abuse? For the depression? For everything else? Does that make me a terrible person? A bad Christian?