At a Loss

Growing up, there were so many expectations held over my head. In sports, in school, at church, at home, or at work, my parents would not settle anything but my best. I kept up with their expectations. In high school, I graduated #7 in my class of 300. I played soccer and softball and gave up much time to practice and work on improving. I assisted the wrestling team in keeping score. I participated in 4-5 different school clubs. I was in MCJROTC. I was the commander of the drill team. I worked between 35-40 hours a week at Chick-fil-a and became a supervisor after 2 months of working there. I volunteered as much as I could. I student lead a small group in the youth group and participated in bible studies during the week. And I did all of this while being in the highest IB classes in my school. I wore myself thin. I stretched myself as far as I could, running from one place to the other. I did not stop. I did not rest. But one thing you will notice when you read all my "achievements" above is NOTHING about a social life. My life was school, work, church, and home.

My social life during high school was limited. Yes, I had "friends." Drill team was like family with the shared experience of 4 hours of practice during the week and the many drill competitions on the weekends. The soccer girls became family with the practices after school and the games we played in. My church family grew to become people I could go to for refreshment and encouragement. The Chick-fil-a team members became family as we worked in close proximity to each other. Yet through all of these things, I did not have one close friend. I did not have any group of people I hung out with... I always missed out.

I had allowed myself to become so busy that I neglected to establish any form of friendship with people. I limited myself in time as to avoid it. After a while, I stopped getting invited to do anything because I was busy anyway. In the midst of my busy life filled with interactions with many people, I was alone. I didn't have a friend that was closer than a brother (or sister).

When I entered Moody life, I realized the importance of having those people in your life. I realized how much I needed people to talk to, to help me through things, and to just hang out and have fun with. I experienced a part of life that I never have before. Grant it, the people did not stay in my life for an extended amount of time, but I was able to reap so many great benefits with those who were in my life. I had friendships that lasted a month of two, yet meant so much more than anything. I had friendships that lasted up to 3 years, and have gained so much from those friendships. 

Now that I'm home from Moody, surrounded by different people than I was before, it's hard. I have no foundation in friendships here. At Moody, there were numerous people. Here, in beaufort, I am limited. And I feel myself falling into the place where I just want to be left to myself. But I know I can't. I know I can't. it wouldn't be good.

Where do I begin? What do I do? How do I motivate myself enough to make friends and make sure I hang out with them?