Impromptu Confessions

A friend suggested that I go stream of conscious to decongest my thoughts... so here I go:

I really don't know what to write. It kind of scares me in fact... to see my thoughts written down on paper in this way. Usually I'm able to mask the exact meaning of my thoughts through metaphors, analogies, or symbolism... but not here.... this is just thought for thought, as they come I write and it scares me. Why does it scare me? Because I am afraid of my own thoughts. I get lost inside of my head and lose track of everything else around me. Reality in a way is not enough for me anymore. I like to be somewhere else, pretending to be somewhere else. I like to re-construct moments in my head... moments that I feel I did not react or respond the way I should have. I replay those over and over again, trying to get it right every time... yet I know that doing this is not going to help. the moment has disappeared... it's lost in the timeline of the past.  Or those times that I fantasize numerous scenarios and situations that I know will never happen: jobs, relationships, expectations of the future, etc. I play potential conversations in my head.

My thoughts scare me, not only because I find myself trapped in the fantastical aspect of it, but also because some of the thoughts that make their way into my head freak me out. Thoughts I did not even know I could produce surface. Thoughts that I try to suppress pop up again. Thoughts I figured were dead resuscitate themselves and haunt me. I don't understand them half the time and the other half I am too afraid to face them.  I guess all--in--all, writing like this scares me because i'm going to be posting it for the world to see, or the select 2-3 people who actually read this thing....

you see... anxiety about my future is hitting me... the idea of not going back to school... the idea of not knowing what I'm going to be doing after I graduate... etc... and also the overwhelming thoughts about who I am scare me... not because I'm digging and trying to discover it, but because my mind has already created the perfect image of who I should be based upon lies and characteristics of other people.... lies I have bought into for far to long... lies that linger in my head and who taunt and mock me day in and day out. Thoughts that disgust me and thoughts that send me on my knees in tears.

I often hear the lies that tell me I'm not beautiful enough, not skinny enough, not social enough to be loved... I often hear the screams of rejection and worthlessness....  I often hear the lies that I will never be loved, never be cared for, and never be accepted for who I am.  That I am a purely sexual human being and believing those things scare me. Even if I know the truth.

In this journey, as I take this semester off, I don't know what to expect and that scares me. Will I have to settle for a mediocre part-time job while I talk through my issues?  Will I have to give up the little things I enjoy in life to do what I have to do? Will I have to give up boundaries in order to please my parents who are letting me live in their house? Will I actually heal from my heart issues or will this be another fruitless time like the past 3 years? How am I going to make it through this time?  How will I refrain from allowing those lies from becoming my beliefs?  How can I purge myself of the lies that I have always thought to be true?

Because if I am honest with you today, I feel like a mediocre piece of shit, worthless to everyone, unpleasing to the senses, and inconvenient. Yet I can sit here today and tell you that I am not... I know that I am not that. I know and understand that I am a child of God, who is loved and cared for....

I am on this journey and I am scared of not knowing what is next. I am scared of speculating what will happen next for fear of being disappointed, but then I can't help by speculate what will happen next. I am walking to the best I can... well, trying at least... and i have a hard time with the change going on around me.... All I want is for this to get better

and perhaps a hug.