i cannot, But i know HE can

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and hated the person staring back at you?
Have you ever examined your life and become discouraged about the person you are?
Have you ever hated the way you handled things or wanted to change, but couldn't?

I'm there. I hate posting these kind of posts, because I feel like all I want from them is self-pity. But I don't. I want to be honest with where I'm at. I want to be able to process things instead of running from them.

After being asked to take a semester off at Moody, I accepted it with peace from God, only because I knew He would still hold me in His hands. After about 2 1/2 months of being here and having God work in my life, I am completely overwhelmed. He is weeding out and purging almost EVERYTHING in EVERY aspect of my life.  I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to do this anymore because it's painful and it sucks.

But I'm here and I'm working through things.  As I do, blow after blow knocks me out. I've been hit with more character flaws within myself and I am overwhelmed that I have hurt so many people with my pride, anger, and selfishness. I think about a roommate I had. We clashed so much and at the time, I would have said it was all her fault and put it all on her. I sit here right now, crying because I know that I played a BIG role in that. Instead of admitting it, I did what I do best, and I ran. I ran to a single room to not deal with anyone anymore.

Well, this past week has been God convicting me of those things and me trying to change them.  But time after time, I failed. I resorted back to my old ways.  But why? Why? I ask why and forget that God is the one who gives us the new life. It's only in Him that I will be able to walk in that... yet I continued to walk in my flesh. Turning my own control to change it.

I've messed up because of my sin... and I've messed up badly. I know I cannot go back and change it. I know that I will not be able to mend the situation at all. So all I can do is pray and look to God to change my character. He has in great ways and He will continue to. I know that it's going to be longer than I want and it will take more mistakes to finally do that. But I want to pursue being a woman of character. A woman who takes responsibility for her mistakes, takes them to God, and allow Him to mold her into the kind of person He wants her to be.

So God... this is letting go. Humbled by my mistakes and mess ups. I am done. I am Yours.