No Matter the Cost

I'm going to do this stream of conscious... To get my thoughts written down so that I can later organize them or figure out what to do with them... So I'm diving in:

For too long I have focused on who I was. I focused on what I have done and who I have allowed myself to become. But I'm done. Dwelling on those things lead me nowhere but down a road of pain and hurt without real healing. It invited self-condemnation, guilt, and shame, while quieting forgiveness. That is my old self. Have I not recognized the power of God in my life? How could I say that I was in Christ and not believe that "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."  Instead, I clung to my old self. I tried to have the best of both worlds. Instead of looking ahead at who I am becoming in Christ, I looked back at who I was. I put my hand on the plow and looked back. 

But as I sit in the wake of self-condemnation and guilt over things that have been forgiven, I am awakened by a splash of truth. For the first time, I'm ready to move past that. I'm ready to see who I am right now and have a picture of who I am in Christ and work towards that.  Because I am reminded "that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of truth."

So I willingly throw out the old man. I am NO longer that person. But I am putting on my new self that was created in righteousness and holiness of true. The new self that realizes that "the chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever."

I'm tired of being the person that sought acceptance from guys through physical activities. I am tired of being the person that selfishly tries to use everything under the sun to fill the void.  I'm tired of being the person that believes lies and knows no truth to counter at that. I'm tired of being a hearer of the Word, but not a doer. I don't want to be the person who seeks to be liked by everyone and will do anything to do that.

I want to be the person who pursues truth over being liked. I want to be known for standing up for my convictions rather than for cowering away and accepting things that displease God.  I want to be the person who has a deep relationship with God regardless of the costs. I don't want to be known for listening to the coolest music, or dressing in the more fashionable clothing. I don't want to be known for seeing every movie that comes out or for keeping up with the latest relationship statuses.  I don't even want to be liked. 

I want to live for God regardless of the cost. For too long I have tried to be that cool person who is up to date with everything cultural. I've cared more about how people perceived me rather than living in a manner worthy of the gospel. So this is it.  I'm answering Jesus' call: "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me."