But I can tell you that deep down inside, I hurt. In the very essence of who I was, my character displayed very little eternal weight. Did I care more about how people perceived me than I cared for who I was inside? Yes. My external display of theater fooled most people, but I did not fool myself, or more importantly, I did not fool my Creator.
I remember reading the words of Jesus at one point:
"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, sot that the outside of it may become clean also. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."
I am the Pharisee.
I am the dirty cup.
I am the whitewashed tomb.
For so long, I would call myself a hypocrite. But never on this great of a scale. Maybe in little things, but never with the whole of my life. Not in my "righteousness". Not in my character.
But that's just what I was. Here I was, at a Bible college, and I lived a double-standard life. I lived a life full of emptiness, deceit, and hypocrisy. I lived a life that reflected and honored reputation above character.
But I've hit a point in my life. I'm standing on a side of this "line in the sand" and I stare at the other side. Will this be it? I have to make a choice. Cross this line and pursue a whole-hearted relationship with my Creator and Redeemer, or turn back and indulge in a life of sin and self-seeking pleasures. There is no other options.
I'm reminded of the church in Revelation that Jesus writes a letter to. You know, the lukewarm church. Well, as I thought about it, I had to evaluate: am I lukewarm? No, an even better question, would God, who tests our hearts and minds, say that I am lukewarm? Yes, I am, I admit to myself. But here is the sad thing: most people would admit to this! Most people would say that I am a lukewarm Christian. The sad part is that most of those people will make NO change to their lives!
Even after KNOWING their lukewarm-ness, they will continue to live in that state! Oh God, may I never do that! It's funny, because our tendency at that point would be to ask, well, I can still be this lukewarm Christian and go to heaven, right?
Should that even be a question? Or how about, well, how close to "sinning" can I get before it's sin?
See, those are the hypocritical questions. Why? Because in essence, we are saying that I desire to get as close to sin as I can, when God tells us to FLEE from it. FLEE from the temptation to sin.
For too long, I ran to the line of sin and played the game of how close can I get. Inwardly, I would quickly cross over the line when no one else looked, but then ran back as to not get caught. But what I neglected to recognize is that it doesn't matter what other people see or not. Character is who I am! Character is reveal especially when no one else is watching.
So I stand at this line and I'm set on venturing across. I am ready to allow God to change the very core of who I am, whether anyone is looking or not.
I want my character to be filled with integrity and repulsed by the very things God hates. I want to be filled with the desires of God.
So Character vs. Reputation. In my life, I want character to win.
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“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”
- John Wooden
"I will give heed to the blameless way. When will You come to me? I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart."
-Ps. 101:2
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